It is a strange part of being human that we can be successful, capable adults, yet still feel like a misunderstood child the moment a certain “trigger” happens. You might find yourself overreacting to a partner’s tone, or feeling a crushing need to be perfect at work, and wondering: “Why am I like this?”
The truth is, we all carry a blueprint from our early years. When we experience things as children, even “minor” things like a persistent feeling of not being heard, we don’t just move on. We create stories to survive. These stories become the beliefs that run our adult lives.
How the Past Stays Present
As adults, it’s easy to look back and downplay what we went through. We tell ourselves it “wasn’t that bad” because we’re looking through adult eyes. But for a child, the feeling of being invisible or misunderstood isn’t just “sad”; it can be traumatic.
To cope, we build a “false self.” We learn that if we behave a certain way, we stay safe. But eventually, those survival skills start to cost us too much. They show up in our lives today as:
- A deep-seated need for people-pleasing and external validation just to feel worthy.
- A constant struggle with setting boundaries and a habit of deprioritising your own needs until you feel empty.
- A paralysing fear of abandonment or a co-dependency that makes you tolerate behaviours you know you shouldn’t.
- Living with anxiety, anger issues, or a constant need to be in control because the world doesn’t feel safe otherwise.
- Being in toxic relationships or constantly feeling the need to prove yourself to anyone who will watch.
These aren’t just random “flaws” or personality traits. They are the symptoms of beliefs you formed a long time ago.
The moment we realise that our behaviours just stem from these old roots, healing can finally start.
However, our beliefs are not only shaped by childhood. Significant challenges in adulthood can also fundamentally alter how we see the world and ourselves. Those who have endured the erosion of a toxic relationship or the shock of an assault often find that their sense of safety and self-worth has been rewritten by these experiences. You may find yourself stuck in “survival mode” long after the danger has passed, struggling with coping mechanisms that no longer serve you.
These experiences, whether they happened decades ago or just last year, can be safely processed in the therapy room.
How We Work Together
I see our work together as a process of making sense of the “noise” in your head. We are looking for the strategies you used to survive.
The first thing we do is to look at the moments where you feel overwhelmed or “stuck” and figure out exactly what is happening in your mind and body. We identify the specific beliefs that are driving your reactions. When we can name a pattern, like a reflex to please others or a habit of self-criticism, it starts to slowly lose its power over you. You realise it’s not just “who you are,” but a habit you can choose to change.
Building Self-Worth
Once we understand the roots, we focus on the here and now. We work on practical ways to regulate your emotions so that you don’t feel constantly hijacked by your past. This involves “unlearning” the automatic responses that keep you small and replacing them with a stronger, more stable sense of self. We focus on building a steady, resilient sense of self-worth so you can stop looking for external permission and start trusting your own voice.
The aim isn’t to become a “perfect” person, but to become a more integrated one. We work on bringing your authentic needs back into the conversation, helping you set boundaries that stick and build relationships that actually feel supportive. By the time we finish our work, the intention is that you don’t just feel better, you feel more like yourself, with a clearer understanding of how to navigate your life with confidence and clarity.
Let’s Have a Chat
If you feel ready to start exploring those roots, changing your internal script and building a more compassionate relationship with yourself, just send me a message. We can book an initial conversation to see if we could work together.