Shadows of the Past. How unresolved Childhood Trauma shapes Our adulthood
According to Dr. John Bowlby's attachment theory, the relationships we form in adulthood often reflect the bonds we had with our caregivers during childhood. These early emotional connections play a crucial role in shaping our views on relationships throughout life. It's essential to consider how your childhood experiences influenced your perceptions and behaviours in relationships. For example, if your current relationships mirror the dynamics you experienced as a child, it could be a sign that unresolved childhood wounds are influencing your adult life.
As Carl Jung famously noted, until we bring our unconscious thoughts and past experiences to the surface, they will continue to guide our lives as if they were fate. By becoming aware of how our past shaped our current beliefs and behaviours, we gain the power to change those that no longer serve us. Recognizing that these behaviours stem from outdated or harmful beliefs is the first step toward healing.
Childhood wounds, whether from significant trauma or smaller negative experiences, can have a profound impact on our adult selves. These wounds often cause us to suppress parts of our authentic selves, leading to issues like low self-esteem, difficulty setting boundaries, or a tendency to seek external validation. While it may seem daunting to change long-standing patterns, with time and effort, healing is possible.
So how do unhealed childhood wounds manifest themselves?
It can show up in adulthood as:
• people pleasing
• low self-esteem
• struggle with setting boundaries
• need to prove yourself and others
• co-dependency
• tolerating abusive behaviours
• attracting narcissistic partners
• external validation needed
• deprioritising your own needs
• fear of abandonment
• being narcissist
• anger issues
• the constant need to be in control
• addiction
• anxiety
• depression
Just to name a few. Doing the work to unlearn dysfunctional patterns is essential to interpersonal growth.
How can we work with unresolved childhood traumas and those negative beliefs that were created in our past? Below, I have briefly outlined three approaches to working with it.
1. Notice
The most important thing is to recognise that you have a limiting, unhealthy belief, and unresolved trauma, that keeps showing up in triggering situations. It's about noticing when it pops up in your mind or shows up in your behaviour.
Simply noticing and naming limiting beliefs/unhealthy behaviour helps to keep the necessary mental distance towards them. Watching limiting thoughts allows you to treat them as one of many that we can have. It is the first step to stop identifying with those that do not serve our well-being.
2. Check
Our beliefs are often the result of our childhood. This is the result of the experience we have gathered. It may be that we "carry with us" beliefs that once adequately described the reality in which we functioned or at least allowed us to find ourselves in it, but today are outdated. So it is worth checking to what extent the belief accompanying you is covered in reality, in facts. Is it real or fake? Constructively verify it.
3. Dialogue
What allows us to weaken the negative impact of a given belief on our well-being is entering into dialogue with it. What exactly is the limiting voice saying to you? When you hear this voice well, answer it. Get into an argument with it. Debate.
What would someone like that say to you? Practising dialogue often leads to the formation of new, healthy beliefs that will serve your well-being.
Take those small steps towards what is important to you.
If you need support understanding yourself better and discovering those unconscious beliefs, starting a therapy it's always a great step towards healing.